I’m super fascinated with how people in couples started their relationships. How did they meet originally?
If I could, I would walk up to every pair of people holding hands on the street or sharing a candlelit dinner and ask, “How did you guys find each other??” And then I would put all of that data into a spreadsheet and study it, because sometimes the only way to get answers is to be weird about it.
I can’t actually do that in real life, because I would look crazy. However I do ask a fair number of people how they found their partners, when it comes up in conversation. I talk to people about how they met their good friends, too. It’s very similar for both and that question is a nice icebreaker anyway.
I test out in my own life how to meet different types of people and then surround myself with the ones I think are awesome.
Except of course, it adds an extra layer of difficulty on top of meeting women when you’re looking for those who are single and ALSO a good match. I’m actually single myself right now! Who says I can’t talk about dating while being single? …because it’s too late, I already am. 🙂
Most frustrated single men I talk to have fallen back on only one primary way to meet women. And they’re irritated and impatient because they aren’t getting the results they want.
Guess what? No single dating “strategy,” if the following items can even be called strategic, is good enough to sustain your entire dating life.
Some guys completely rely on apps and dating websites to get dates. Others only go to bars and clubs and try to pick women up.
And worst of all, some only go on dates when they are DIRECTLY SET UP ON THEM BY FRIENDS. I hope that sounds as crazy and lonely to you as it does to me.
So… none of these are inherently bad ways to go about finding a relationship, but they are all inadequate on their own. What you need to do is combine the 3-4 most effective ones for you personally and use them all more or less simultaneously.
You’ll have less frustration when there are more opportunities. It’s all about creating as many opportunities to meet women as possible, naturally.
For the rest of this article I want to talk about some of the most reliable ways that I’ve found to meet women and other great people. Some of it is obvious on first glance, but I’ll also dig deeper. Here’s hoping it will be helpful for you to decide how to best spend your time in your dating life.
“Where do I find the best women?” …that IS the question.
If you want to end up in a fulfilling relationship, you’re looking to meet high-quality women, not just lots of women. You realize that dating takes a lot of time, and you are serious about finding someone you can share your life with. Not just anyone.
In more words, my solution is for you to consistently utilize multiple carefully-chosen sources to meet new women you didn’t know about before. You will get better at choosing these places over time. You can spend a little time on a couple of “sources” at a time, and drop the ones that aren’t a good fit.
If your source is a particular place or activity, a “good fit” means BOTH that you enjoy it AND it allows you to be around women you connect with. You can find good guys as well sometimes, if you’re looking to add to your wolf pack.
So let’s talk about how to make good use of your time, yeah?
My list of methods to meet good women (mostly in no particular order):
1. At places where you go to practice hobbies, activities, volunteering
2. Through mutual friends or acquaintances
3. Parties and group gatherings
4. Through work
5. Random encounters at the bar, on the street, in a store, etc.
6. Apps and online dating
1. Hobbies, activities, volunteering, etc.
I’m biased in favor of this one over most other methods of meeting new people, women specifically. People have crossed paths this way to forever entwine their destinies for hundreds of years. It’s just as effective now as it ever was.
When you begin to regularly spend your time doing one particular thing with other people, you inevitably to get to know them and feel comfortable around them.
Some examples include… Going to the gym. Taking classes. Volunteering at the shelter. Playing a recreational sport on a team. Playing party-oriented board games.
What do these all have in common? They all involve repeatedly returning to doing a thing with the same or similar people. It’s how relationships are formed through everyday life, if you care to put in a little effort.
Effort is something that is a little bit in short supply these days, though. We may have reached a point in the world where people have so many unlimited options for how to spend their time at any given moment, that they can’t seem to commit to anything except their job.
I promise you, if you pour in the time to consistently do something that feels rewarding to you (despite the hard work, etc.), it will also pay off in terms of new connections with people!
2. Through mutual friends or acquaintances
There is always a chance that someone in your life knows a good woman who is single and open to dating. For clarity in this item, let’s say you have a close friend named Megan.
Sometimes the connection happens on purpose (i.e. Megan directly sets you up with a woman), and other times an available woman simply shows up at a social gathering, you’re drawn to her, and the rest happens naturally.
However, it can be tricky to ask or expect your friends to set you up with another close friend of theirs (who you don’t know yet). The problem is, a lot of people think about this situation as a risk. Meaning, Megan would prefer not to matchmake you with another close friend because it will cause problems for her if things go wrong in your future relationship.
It’s more likely that Megan will pair you with an acquaintance. Maybe Megan just met a nice woman last month, and it occurs to her today that you might be a good match for her. Boom!
Or better yet, one acquaintance with another acquaintance!
As a personal example — I was once having a conversation with a close female friend of mine, and she was telling me about how a girl she just met at a cocktail party was complaining about finding good guys and was sick of being single. I laughed and reminded her that I was indeed single as well, and she literally smacked her palm to her forehead.
“Of course! I can’t believe that connecting her with someone like you didn’t even cross my mind,” she said with a bit of embarrassment. We set up a date and it was a lovely time, though things didn’t work out in the end.
All of this might sound confusing right now, but think about it for a minute. Social circles are fragile things, and tiny shifts in the dynamics between people can have big consequences.
No one likes having to choose a side in the event that two people in the group have a nasty breakup. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but people tend to try and prevent new in-group couples from forming if they can (contrary to every sitcom ever made that centers around a co-ed group of best friends).
The best way to make use of this method is to occasionally ask your friends if they know someone you might enjoy taking on a date. If you happen to meet or hear about a female friend of a friend, ask about her. Is she single? Is she available (i.e. sticking around in one location most of the time, ready to date)?
Make sure people feel welcomed to invite their other friends to social gatherings you plan. Which reminds me…
3. Parties and Group Gatherings
This one is similar to the last in terms of the types of opportunities that will present themselves, but making it happen is a little different.
People like when others initiate plans, so they don’t have to do the work. All they have to do is show up (and maybe bring a buddy along). Be that initiator. That means putting in some extra effort to plan something out of the blue!
When I rented my current apartment, one of my top priorities was actually finding a place with enough parking and enough space inside to entertain people. Would you ever do something like this?
Sorry NYC and San Francisco people, it’s only a little bit your fault for living in a city where space is so expensive…
Do diligent online research about your area or nearby towns to find meetups, events, activities, and other fun stuff to which you can invite other people. And if a friend invites you to join in on something cool, say YES dammit!
The more you commit to spending time on this, the more your social and dating life will flourish. Obviously since we’re talking about dating, keep in mind to look for things that women like to do. Don’t go to 10 computer software expos and expect to meet the girl of your dreams.
Just being honest — there are certain things that attract way more men than women as a general rule, and for your dating goals you should avoid these as a primary time spend during your search.
I remember one time recently that a buddy of mine invited me to a small party that he was hosting. He’s an engineer, and he said that mostly just people he knew from his car company confirmed that they were attending. I said yes, brought a couple friends, and when we showed up the party had turned into a riotous good time with many groups intermingling! By complete chance (from my perspective), a lot of the others had brought new people along.
I met a cute woman at that party and ended up going on several dates with her as well. I don’t provide these examples to brag — far from it! I’m illustrating the point that this possibility is always there, but ONLY if you capitalize.
It’s not enough to just show up. You do also have to bring your A-game and charm the pants off some new people as best you can.
4. Through work
It’s pretty obvious that you can certainly meet someone at your place of work or through events associated with your job. Not much elaboration is needed, but here are a few thoughts on it anyway.
Aside from meeting a woman who works in the same company office as you, there are other ways to leverage your job to meet good women.
Of course, you can ask coworkers to connect you with someone. Or maybe you cross paths with people who work in the same large building as you, but for different companies. There might be events you attend for work, industry-related gatherings/expos/shows you can attend… get creative!
I’ve met a bunch of cool people at local training seminars for work (this totally depends on the subject matter and industry, but it’s always good to keep an eye open if you’re there anyway).
Plenty of people meet their future spouse at work and it turns out beautifully, but take care to weigh the risks involved with dating a coworker. It’s no fun seeing an ex every day at the office, and it applies to everyone else too because they will experience the tension.
5. Random Encounters in the World
Approaching women cold in day-to-day situations may seem like the territory where only Pickup Artists thrive, but you can seize the moment and make your daily interactions work for you, too.
If something funny happens to a woman sitting near you at the coffee shop, you could go ahead and make a snarky comment. See how she reacts! There’s really nothing to lose and a possibly lovely conversation to be gained.
It takes practice to do this gracefully, but it can be really fun to strike up random conversations with people you come across as you are out and about in town. For example, there’s a really cool bookstore in my city that I visit maybe twice a month, because I love everything about it.
The people who shop there tend to be open to chatting about what they’re looking for on the shelves, things they’ve read, or anything else casually. The staff are young and friendly as well! I’m on a first-name basis with some of them because of this strange habit I keep up.
There’s a philosophy that I like to use to create spontaneity in my life: I act like a tourist in my own city (or nearby ones).
Carve out an afternoon or a spare hour to aimlessly walk around a little interesting downtown area nearby. Is there anything that catches your eye which you’ve never noticed before? Somewhere you might like to spend a little time? Or maybe there’s a cool bar you’ve never visited.
Local spots will host random events that you never would have known about without checking out the poster in the window.
It really adds a fun feeling to the weekly monotony of ordinary life. Random encounters are unpredictable and unreliable, but a great option to be OPEN to nonetheless! This is also not a good way to find specific women who you connect with reliably (compared to the other options), since there isn’t much self-selection going on. But you never know.
6. Apps and Online Dating
Okay, you know I had to mention online dating. And we all know how it works (for most guys): you spend a bunch of time swiping or searching for the right women, reach out to them and spend more time sending messages, only to never hear back from half of them.
The clear benefit of these platforms is that you do get to have some information about these women up front. At least, you’ll know as much as they want you to know by putting stuff in their profile.
The clear problem with this source is that attractive women often get more attention than they know what to do with, and your message can easily get buried. I’ll have to write more elaborately on this topic in the future, because there is a lot of depth to it and there are ways to succeed.
I can’t say that it isn’t a good tool to have in your belt as part of your dating efforts. However, like I mentioned in the intro, if you use it as the only way you attempt to get dates you’re going to be sad. And your time will feel wasted.
The key advice I’d like to give on this is simple: focus on sending winning messages to catch the attention of high-quality women and observe what works and doesn’t work, generally. Make sure you have good photos and an illustrative bio to show yourself off (you can just look at Google for some easy tips for now).
Tighten up the way in which you ask online women out on dates. Be specific about the details, try to be considerate of any relevant information/preferences on her end, and don’t be wishy-washy.
Good date message: “So, I’d love to get to know you better in person. How about we go to Carson’s for a drink this week around 8:00pm? I’m thinking Thursday.” (let’s say ‘Carson’s’ is a nice, reasonably quiet bar with plenty of options).
Bad date message: “I thought we could hang out sometime soon if you want. What do you think?”
This way, you avoid the annoying back-and-forth of deciding on details and also losing her interest. It makes you look decisive and smooth as well.
The most important thread that ties all of these ideas together is one simple mindset: be OPEN to everything. Say yes to invitations, consider people you’ve met before, and accept that women are interested in you and look for the signs.
Act on your feelings when you’re interested in someone. Strike up conversations with random people once in a while to hone the skill.
One last thought — don’t wait too long to ask a woman out. That “confess your love and hope she feels the same way” thing tends not to work in real life. You’re thinking of TV and movies. The best way to have those feelings reciprocated is to make sure you’re on the same page as early as possible, and to make it clear that you’re flirting. If you do find yourself having waited too long, reveal the minimum: “I think you’re attractive, and I’d like to take you on a date. What do you say?”
I hope I’ve given you enough information to form your own plan and start getting this done in your life. It feels so great to be in control of your dating efforts, and not to feel so much like you have no opportunities anymore. I believe that this is the way to get there.
So get out there and have some fun!