You might have noticed that some guys seem to be able to talk to all kinds of women effortlessly. And you can see these are real conversations, not just small talk BS or trying to “pick her up.”
No matter if it’s a pretty lady they just met or a friend they’re already acquainted with, it seems to make no difference.
Is this ability something where you perceive yourself to be lacking? Can you truthfully say that you’re confident and comfortable around women?
If you’re thinking, “How??” the short answer is that those guys have had a lot of practice (intentionally or unintentionally), and that they don’t see a whole lot of difference between talking to a familiar female friend — the triple F, as I call it — or an attractive single woman. They treat both in much the same way.
This is the not-so-secret secret to being more comfortable around women.
But alas, it’s also not the reality for a lot of men a lot of the time. It IS different when you find yourself talking to the woman you could see yourself dating. You become involuntarily nervous, unable to stand still. Your mind isn’t in a calm enough place for a normal conversation.
I want to illustrate two scenarios and offer you some ideas to help bridge this gap in emotions.
Scenario #1: Attractive woman you’ve never met before
You see her and it hits you: she’s different and she stands out from everyone else around. You can’t take your attention fully away from her. Maybe she just showed up at the party.
So you decide you need to talk to her, but you don’t want another surface-level, meaningless interaction with her. Another short small-talk conversation that leads nowhere.
Also you certainly don’t want to look like a nervous idiot…
Hesitation sets in because you’re thinking about all the ways it could go wrong. Surely you’ll hit a dead stop 30 seconds into talking to her and that icy silence will swallow you whole. You might even forget how to introduce yourself in the first place…
Then you start thinking about how she MUST get random guys coming up to talk to her all the time. You don’t want to be like those guys, bothering her.
Let me stop you there. Take a breath. If you just had a simple mental reset to come back to, I think you could avoid all of this nonsense. Remember these three statements next time you’re in this situation:
“I am a great guy.”
“The worst that could happen is not so bad after all.”
“I want to make a simple connection, nothing more.”
The best conversations with new people are born from one simple intention: “I want to connect with this person.” Genuine curiosity trumps any other outcome you want to hope for, every time!
Here’s something else to consider. Do you really know that she gets approached out of the blue all the time? Even if it’s true, how often do you think those other guys make a lasting impression on her? Probably almost never.
You can be the exception. What if you were certain that you’ll create a meaningful connection? Wouldn’t it be great if you could experience more deep, exciting moments with women at any time? This is how you get there. This mental trick is your springboard.
Starting the conversation
There’s no need to put too much pressure on yourself about what you say to start the conversation. Usually something relevant to what’s going on around you or what you’re doing will be fine. I’ve written about this before.
Ask questions and engage based on caring about what’s going on with her life, rather than worrying so much about what she thinks of you or whether you’re gonna be able to get her number.
You’ll get better at conversation the more you consciously do it — whether you have a hard time around most people or you’re almost where you want to be.
But for now try anything that opens the door for a response from her. All the better if you can add humor and a little laugh! It can be as simple as, “Hey, I’m John. What brings you here?” Or try to find out if you know anyone in common.
SCENARIO 2: Familiar female friend (not a potential dating prospect)
Your buddy invites you to get a drink early Friday evening, so you decide to go. He brings his girlfriend and another friend of hers named Anna who you have talked with a bunch of times before.
When you get there, you all sit down with a beer and you get to catching up with everyone. Anna has just started a new job and took a short vacation recently, so you ask about those things and make a few jokes.
You’re comfortable, listening to everyone and maybe scanning the room for interesting things happening.
Now take a step back and think about what’s going on here. You’re having a nice conversation with two women involved, and you’re not too caught up in your head or anything. What’s the difference between this scenario and the previous one?
The difference is that this second scenario has you already feeling comfortable with these women. You’re relaxed because you’re not thinking about impressing them, making a move, or seeming awesome. You’re just being you.
I think this is what people mean when they tell you to “just be yourself.” It means putting in the time to help yourself consistently feel like you’re being your normal self, instead of an anxious wreck, when you talk to people (especially all those pretty ladies out there).
So here’s the second takeaway: consciously practice bridging the mental gap you feel between your normal self and your anxious self around women. Translate comfort around some women into comfort around most women. Because I won’t lie… I still get nervous sometimes.
Now let’s envision a night out that really puts these new skills to the test.
You find out about a meetup event for young professionals in your area, at an outdoor beer garden. You get ready and put on your best looking-good-but-not-too-formal button-down shirt.
You psyche yourself up to have a good time and at least meet a couple of new people, even if you’re kind of tired today.
You get there, and you happily notice that there are some nice-looking women and also a bunch of guys who seem cool. It’s a good atmosphere. After warming up and talking to a couple of guys (side note: warming up with light conversation is important!), you excuse yourself and decide to introduce yourself to the lovely lady over to your left.
You quickly remind yourself to keep it simple, and you’ve got this.
A lively conversation follows, and it’s all because you took the right steps, my friend! I’ll leave you to it, have a good night. 🙂