Maybe it feels like it’s finally time to take your dating life seriously. Maybe you’re sick of your friends asking if you’re seeing anyone.
But when you even think of the word “date,” it unlocks a wave of negative feelings and anxiety. You’ve been single for such a long time now.
You should be getting out there, but it’s just not happening. You’re not feeling great about your options, though.
You’re uncertain how things would go if you found yourself on a date with a nice, sophisticated woman.
What would she think of you? Would she have a good time with you? Could you make her laugh enough? You know that’s important.
And you’re thinking ahead to all the happiness and contentment that come with having a great girlfriend. But you know there are still 50 steps between now and that magic time, and deep down you’re not even sure you can expect your first date to go well.
What if you didn’t have to improve this side of yourself exclusively ON dates?
You should go on dates when you want to go on them – not because you think you have to. If you think you need to go on lots of them to “get good at dates”, I have good news for you.
Why every day is a chance to master the date
Lots of guys psych themselves out of dating altogether because they start to think, “What’s the point? I never go on dates, so I know it won’t go smoothly even if I do find someone to share one with.”
It does help the nerves to have some good dates under your belt. But what’s much better than that is using EVERY social interaction to practice your charisma, attractiveness, and being someone others like to be around.
Practice getting to know new people outside of the context of a date. It could be hanging out with friends or new acquaintances, or especially in a place you go regularly where you feel comfortable (such as for an activity).
When a friend introduces you to someone new, you can try honing your ability to get to know things about them. This is the SAME skill that is necessary on a date for determining if you like a prospective lady.
Pay attention to what people respond to. Are they enjoying a story you’re telling? Maybe you’re using gestures to illustrate, making you feel confident and animated.
You can think of it like continuous learning in more of a smooth curve, rather than short bursts under the high pressure of a date.
I think you’ll also notice that this method makes it SO much easier to think positively about yourself and your personality.
How to make sure most of the work is done beforehand
This is key because when you actually are on dates, you have 80% of the work done already in terms of being able to make a good impression and have fun. The rest is flirting – which is a different, but similar, skill.
Once you’re comfortable in conversation, asking questions, etc. — you just have to think about turning up the flirting level so there is some romantic tension and interest!
Things like laughing more, smiling, light and casual touches on the arm or hand depending on the context.
This is not an encouragement to fit a cookie-cutter mold of the “right” personality. Everyone — including you, sir — is unique and attracts different types of women. But no matter who you are, it IS important to pay attention to how people respond to you.
We can probably all think of a person we know who seems unaware of how they come off to others. Maybe it’s telling a story in a long-winded and uninteresting way. Or they are “honest” to the point of being judgmental or rude.
Maybe they don’t listen to what people say and it’s obvious that they’re just waiting their turn to speak, or even have a hard time speaking up at all!
It can only help to be honest with yourself on whether you have any tendencies like this yourself.
And stopping the flow of anxious thoughts around expressing yourself and conversing will open the path to having fun! You’ll enjoy getting to know your dates rather than worrying constantly about how you’re presenting yourself to them.
Why unexpected situations can teach you the most
One experience in particular that cemented this idea for me was going on a “friend date” with a woman I had never met before. It’s going to sound like a really unusual situation at first (and it was), but I wanted to give it a shot.
She and I were matched through a dating app. She seemed adventurous and funny, so I messaged her.
But right away she was very clear that she was only looking to meet a friend or two, and was not single. She was new to town and I figured it would be fun to meet up anyway, so we got dinner.
It went really well, and we had some drinks and some laughs, so she jokingly referred to the night as a “friend date.” We are actually still good friends now! However, it was obvious how similar it was to a real date.
Let’s take a closer look: it was easy to have fun because there was no tension, no stakes to the dinner because I knew this was not a date. But how are the social skills involved any different?
They aren’t. Like I mentioned before the only change is the presence of flirtatiousness, and even a certain part of that is the same, like using your sense of humor. Otherwise it’s a one-on-one conversation like any other.
Imagine again finding yourself awaiting when it’s time to leave for your date, only this time instead of being overrun with anxiety about what she will think of you, you are excited to meet her!
You’re looking forward to all the things you’re going to learn about her. And you’re buzzing with anticipation at the chance to find out what you both have in common.
It’s because you took the time to learn what works for you socially, and how to think more highly of yourself so that you make amazing impressions on people.
It sounds difficult to get here, but all it takes is the first step in the right direction.
Dive in and replace the negative things you think about yourself with the satisfaction of learning to improve.
You’ll be there before you know it.